Say Goodbye
by Trekkiehood
Summary: Alexander receives word of George Washington's death. He tries to come to terms with the death as he realizes just how much Washington meant to him.


**Hey guys! So this is my first Hamilton fanfiction. It was a little more complicated for me since Hamilton is a musical, not just a straight-up story. Then there is the whole Historical aspect of it. This is like half fact half fandom. So take that how you will.**

**To all of you who are waiting for me to update any of my other stories, I hit a major wall of writer's block. This is the first story I can actually say that I am proud of in a long time. Hopefully, this will allow me to continue writing some of my other stories.**

**Anyway, I hope you enjoy!**

**~TH~**

A loud banging pulls me out of my deep slumber. I turn to Eliza, her eyes heavy with sleep.

Just as I entertain the idea of having my wife stay in bed, Eliza, our newborn daughter, begins to cry.

My wife sighs weakly as she rubs her eyes, "Go," she says, "See who is calling. I'll take care of Eliza."

I nod as she makes her way to the crib.

The knocking continues as I attempt to reach the door in my halfawake state. I can not help but wonder why anyone would be at my doorstep so early. It was nearly three in the morning, not a respectable time for anyone to be out.

When I finally open the door, a young man nearly falls into me.

"Mr Hamilton?" He gasps, seeming to be out of breath.

"Yes?" I answer back, confusion deeply laced in my features.

"I bring news from Mt Vernon."

"Vernon?" He nods, "please come in." I move back, allowing him to come inside.

I lead him to the living room and have him take a seat. After I retrieve a glass of water for him and light a lamp, I pull up a chair across from him and finally ask the nagging question.

"Is something wrong? The General normally only sends letters-"

"Mr Washington passed away last night." He cuts me off mid-sentence.

My usual flamboyant speech fails me as my mouth opens.

"Alexander? Who was it?" Eliza enters holding our daughter. I have no words as my jaw hangs open.

The young man stands, "I'm terribly sorry." he says in a rushed manner. Then continues in his message, "I was told to tell you that Mrs Washington requests that you come to Mt Vernon as soon as possible. The funeral is estimated to take place in three days."

He slides an envelope into my hand and gives my wife a nod before leaving.

"Alexander?" Eliza prompts.

I don't move I can't. It is as if my entire world has come crashing down. This is not the first person I have lost, that does not lessen the blow.

Suddenly, I see my mother as if she is there in front of me. I feel her arms around me. Fever raging through both of us. I remember her chest ceasing to move as she took her last breath. The way her arms relaxed around me and I lay there wondering when the sickness would claim me. It never did.

"Alexander?" Eliza is down on her knees in front of me. Our daughter held in one arm, her other hand rests on my knee.

"Washington is dead." It's all I'm able to choke out before I feel the tears sting my eyes.

I stand, nearly knocking the chair over. I head to the bedroom

"Alexander," she follows, "I know what Washington meant to you. Please, let me help, don't do anything foolish."

"I need to go out."

She grabs my arm, "He said you have three days. Stay a bit longer."

I turn to my wife, my wife who has forgiven me so much and see the pleading in her eyes.

I take her hand. "I'm just going out for a bit. I promise I'll be back for dinner."

She nods before allowing me to dress.

It is almost another three hours before I leave. Regardless of my feelings, I have responsibilities at home. The bitter New York cold adds to my decision to wait.

When I finally leave, near six, I have no plans. No reason. I just need out.

I walk the streets my mind seeming to settle at a constant buzzing. The only thing I can think of is Washington. He had become like a father to me. I never knew my father well. He was always ashamed of me due to the abominable surroundings of my birth. When I was ten he decided we were no longer worth the time or the shame. After acquiring the small amount of money he had, he left, leaving my mother and I with all of his debt. It had always been a trouble spot for me. It was something I could never quite get past, no matter how hard I attempted to ignore or forget.

Then General Washington came into my life. He changed the view that no one cared for me.

_"Your wife needs you alive!"_

All the air seems to leave my lungs in and I come to a stop in the middle of the road. I vaguely hear someone call my name but can't bring myself to respond. The world is at a standstill as I recollect the utter feeling of betrayal, only to find out my wife had been the one to request my homecoming. He had done exactly what she had asked. As general of the army, in the middle of a heated war, he had no reason or obligation to do so. He had done it out of love and respect of me and my wife.

_"Son, I need you alive."_

He was my father in all but blood.

_"Call me son one more time!"_

A gasp escapes my lips as someone roughly grabs my arm, pulling me out of the crowded street. I feel the light splash of half-melted snow as a carriage goes by.

"Hamilton? Alexander, are you trying to get yourself killed?"

"Burr? What are you-?"

"You were in the middle of the street!" The man appears to be exasperated. Whether it is due to my presence or my conundrum is unknown. He tends to stay in this manner whenever I am around.

"Yes, well, thank you for your assistance," I say regaining some of my composure. I feel for the first time the tremors snaking their way through my body. I pull my arm away from Burr, straitening my now soiled coat.

The statesman watches me cautiously before venturing to speak. "What's wrong?"

"It's nothing," I assure with little conviction.

He looks unconvinced. "Alexander-"

"Burr, I appreciate the concern, I am simply preoccupied." I begin to walk away when he calls me one more time.

"Alexander," I turn, ready to unleash my pent up fury. He holds out an envelope. "You dropped this."

I stare at the envelope for a couple of seconds. I don't want it. I don't want to know. I don't want to head to Virginia. I feel almost as if opening the wretched letter will set in stone the fact that Washington is dead.

Burr touches my shoulder and I flinch back.

"Alexander, what's wrong with you?" He seems honestly concerned at this point.

I try to bring an explanation to mind. All that I manage is a stuttering mess. "I-I." I clear my throat, hoping to gain composure. "I received some, um, some bad news this morning. It has simply thrown me off track. I do not wish to be a bother to you. I'll be on my way." I snatch the letter out of his hand.

"Bad news? What happened?"

The sun is beginning to rise now and I wonder how long I had been walking.

"Alexander!"

Burr draws my attention away from the sky.

Sighing, I glance around the street. It's not too incredibly busy at the moment. "I suppose you'll find out eventually." He looks at me quizzically. "General Washington, um, General Washington died last night."

"What?" Burr's face pales considerably at my words. His eyes soften into compassion as he looks at me. "Alexander-"

I feel panic begin to rise up. I can't do this. Not now.

"Thank you for your assistance, but I really... I need- I need to be going."

This time he does not call me back.

~H~

_My dear Alexander,_

No. I can't do this. I'm not ready.

_It is with a heavy heart that I write to you. I wish it could be under better circumstances._

No. Not ready. I'm not ready. The letter had been opened almost as if by impulse. It was around noon when I found myself on a bench off to the side in a lesser-known park.

_As I'm sure you have been told, George has passed into Glory._

There it was, written in ink. This was no longer the news of an over-exuberant messenger. This was straight from the pen of Martha Washington.

_He has gone to meet the Lord he so diligently served._

I feel another pang in my chest as I remember his talk of retirement. How he compared it to his retirement to Glory. It had come too soon. Too soon.

_His throat had become infected. There was little we could do. The doctors did all they could but to no avail. My husband went to meet his Maker in the late evening of December fourteenth._

Yesterday. This has all happened yesterday. Even this letter was written yesterday. I have this childish notion that I should have been there when he died.

_My husband cared for you like you were his son. I too care for you deeply.__ I would deeply appreciate it if you would come to Mt Vernon for a while. At least until the funeral is over. He would want you to be here._

I have to go. She asked me to. I must go. If not for her, then for the General.

_Enclosed, is a letter that my husband wrote to you shortly before he died._

_I hope to see you soon._

_Love to you and your family,_

_M. Washington_

My hands are shaking as I remove the second piece of paper. The tears I had managed to hold back now shine through freely, making it difficult for me to read.

_To my son Alexander,_

A sob chokes me as I begin.

_I know my time on this earth is short. I may not know when I will go, but I know it is soon. I am at peace with the fact, as I pray you will be._

_When you joined under my command, I never expected you to become so important to me. You were just another man in my unit. Through your quick thinking and resilience, you made your presence known. I now count you as a son._

The tears left my eyes as they streamed down my face.

_You will be pleased to know that I have completed the writing and revision of my will and upon my death, all slaves I have command over will be freed._

I could not help but gasp. There were very few things we had disagreed on over the years. Slavery had been one of the largest among them.

_I hope and pray that you do not struggle at the time of my death. It is inevitable. I hope you remember what I taught you when I left office. Sometimes it is necessary to say goodbye to truly move on._

_While we may have had our arguments and disagreements, never doubt the love I have for you, my son._

_I am proud of you Alexander._

_May God bless you until we meet again on the other side of Glory._

_G. Washington_

The letter falls to the snow-covered grass as I involuntarily descend to my knees.

I ignore the wetness seeping into my clothes as the sobs rack my body. There is no longer anything I can do to stop them.

~A~

I arrive home with swollen red eyes. Eliza is at the door in a moment, embracing me. I return the embrace for several long moments.

"I'm heading to Vernon tomorrow. I-I must-"

"I know," she soothes, "I've already packed your things."

I nod.

"It's going to be okay, Alexander. We'll get through this."

I hold her tightly for a few more moments before heading up to our room. There I find my packed suitcase and my best riding clothes.

I close my eyes, taking a deep breath through my nose.

_Teach me how to say goodbye. _I silently implore. _Because I'm not ready to move on._

I take out the letters which have become stained with tears and snow.

"Please God," I quietly pray, "teach me how to say goodbye."

Leaving the papers on the small night table, I change out of my wet clothes and attend dinner with my family.

I realize with a growing conviction that I must spend all the time I can with my family. It seems I've learned that you must always be ready to say goodbye.

_"First in war, first in peace, and first in the hearts of his countrymen."  
\- Henry "Light Horse Harry" Lee._

~TH~

**I hope you enjoyed that! Washington is my favourite character in Hamilton and his relationship with Alexander always plays with my heartstrings.**

**Especially during "One Last Time". That song is always so emotional for me.**

**Anyway, please let me know what you think!**

**God bless,**  
**Jamie**


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